Top 10 (or so) warning signs for College Administration staff that your job may be heading for obsolescence .

Rfc1394-Desk-Chair-Blue-with-wheels-300px-The new person you’re asked to train and mentor is named ‘R2D2’.

-The Dean mistakenly and prematurely says “Good morning Siri” as he/she walks past your office.

-Management tells you to quit whining about your ‘Carpel Tunnel Syndrome’ because starting next month, it will “have lots of time to heal.”

-Professors are no longer asking you to do those repetitive tasks for them because now they are being forced to do all of them.

-The college has named a ‘self-help’ kiosk after you.

-You notice management performing ‘dry-run’ exercises, escorting people out of the building who are yelling obscenities at them and at the security guard who is carrying a box of ‘pretend’ personal items.

-You open up your office door the next morning and all you see is cleaning supplies, mops, a pail, and a washroom cleaning schedule with your name on it.

-When you overheard the management team talking about you behind closed doors and you heard them referencing the word “offshoring”, you find out later that they weren’t talking about giving you an all expense paid vacation on a cruise ship.

-You notice the ‘office door name plate’ budget has been slashed to zero for all administration staff.

-When you enter the staff lounge for lunch, the HR staff suddenly stop talking and look down at their soup.

-Professors start handing things in on time because they feel sorry for you.

-The photocopier technician says to you, “Oh, I heard you weren’t here anymore?”

-Management asks you if you’ve ever thought about taking a  ‘Robot Technician’ course.

-Your work hours have been drastically reduced: 9am to 9:17am.

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18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Chalk Stick Cartoon ‘Graduation Day’!


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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: ‘Nada on Big Data’!

Final ver Nada on Big Data cartoon

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why Professors should sign up for yoga classes at the college.

yoga pose

– You won’t feel so bad wearing your ‘Lululemons’, because you’ll soon realize that you’re not the only ‘plus-size’ professor working at the college.

– It will force you to get some exercise, instead of sitting all day on your fat ‘Asana’ in your office, munching on potato chips and drinking ‘Diet Coke’.

– It will be a nice change to start spending time in a different kind of Detox Centre other than, as you call it, the classroom.

– While lecturing at the front of the classroom, you can impress your students by putting one leg behind your head when standing.

– When you see a student texting during a guest speaker’s talk, you can replace the traditional ‘Count to 10’ with yoga breathing exercises, the Pranayama, to help you refrain from going over and smashing their phone with a sledgehammer.

– You can lend your yoga mat to that student who falls asleep in your class.

– You can learn how to create a relaxed mood in the classroom by using incense, candles, and speaking in a way that your whole lecture sounds like a series of Tibetan chants.

– If you’re non-tenured, it will help with your depression.

– You can keep fooling yourself that you’re as youthful as your students.

– With your newly acquired skills, you will now have a better chance of getting a job as a full-time yoga instructor than a full-time college professor.

– It will help with your digestion after eating the food at the cafeteria.

– You’ll have a place to go for serenity after a student receives their failing grade and tells you to “go to hell!”

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Famous Quotes: Grading System

“Who was the ‘genius’ that thought up the grading system that’s currently used in schools? A-B-C-D…F…what happened to the letter E? I wonder how many students would be passing if there was a letter grade E?”  –Professor Phil Jones

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‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’ Vol. 6 “The internet lost my project sir!”


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Sun Tzu ‘The Art of War’: How to apply 5 simple lessons into your classroom.

The art of war cartoon for blog1. If the words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame.

When you create a project or assignment, you need to make sure the instructions are clearly outlined. Either include a rubric, a sample, written instructions, or re-visit the assignment to recap in class.


2. If there is disturbance in the camp, the general’s authority is weak.

If you have a class that seems hard to control, then somewhere along the line your authority has become weak. Sometimes you need to put your foot down so students don’t mistake your kindness for weakness.

Tip: After about 20-25 minutes of lecturing, give students a 3-minute ‘brain break’. It will allow students to have a brief conversation with each other during this time, instead of when you’re doing the talking. After the 3 minutes is up, resume again until the longer ‘coffee break’ that should be given about 20-25 minutes after the 3 minute brain break. [Read more…]

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Top 10 (or so) things to do if you accidentally ‘pass gas’ during your lecture.

1. Gas blog postPause. Reflect. Continue.

2.  In a stern voice say, “Alright, whose ringtone is that?”

3. Contact your Union office and tell them it’s a stress-related condition and take off the rest of the semester.


4. If you have tenure, don’t worry; it doesn’t matter.

5. Immediately turn around and write on the board “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

6. Try to re-create the sound by squeaking your shoes on the floor.

7. Tell a quick joke to allow students to let out their suppressed laughter.

8. Offer all the students an A+ to keep their mouths shut.

9. Start thinking about how you’ll deal with your sudden fame when a student posts it on Youtube.

10. Deflect the situation by asking the class a hard question.

11. Avoid eye contact with all the students who are sitting in the front row.

12. Put on your best ‘P-P-P-Poker Face’.

13. Pull the fire alarm and don’t return to class…for the rest of the semester.


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Top 10 reasons why Santa is taking a job as a Professor in the New Year.

prof santa– He wants to change his name from ‘Father Christmas’ to ‘Professor Christmas’.

– With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.

– Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.

– He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.

–  He can continue replying to emails only once a year.

– He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.

– He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.

– He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”

– He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.

– He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)

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