FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
- Mel Gibson might be the keynote speaker at the graduation ceremony and give the ‘Braveheart Freedom Speech’.
- If you feel insecure about not having a PhD, it’s ok, because even if you did have one, no one wants to hear about it anyway.
- You will boost your language skills by learning Australian slang.
- You will end up becoming one of the most self-confident, laid back professors on the planet.
- You can secretly think of yourself as being the ‘The Wizard of Oz’.
- You can teach an entire online course in the outback, sitting around a campfire drinking beer, and partying with the ‘blokes’ in the rock band AC/DC.
- As a fun and entertaining problem-solving exercise, you could get students to try to teach kangaroos and emus how to walk backwards.
- You’ll never have a problem with students arriving late for class; they’ll always arrive a few minutes early.
- You can use an Australian Cattle Dog to help you get organized for class.
- You can end each class with the Aussie chant, “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!”
Mid-July. 90-degree heat. Humid.
There’s nothing like the aroma of chicken smothered in barbecue sauce as it sizzles when it hits the hot grill of the barbecue. Envious neighbours can smell the smoke for hundreds of yards away. If you’re lucky, it may even attract ‘someone special’ to pay you a surprise visit in your back yard?
This is going to sound like one of those famous cliché intros that are in men’s magazines but, on one hot, scorching day in July, I never thought it would happen to me! Well, A female ‘guest’ did show up.
She had big brown eyes, a cute little nose, with thick jet-black hair with a long streak of blond. However, she looked like she had a bit too much to drink as she kept stumbling and falling to the ground as she walked towards me. I was raised to watch out for this ‘type’, so I quickly turned off the barbecue and slowly walked back into the house. Most guys would think, “Are you crazy?” Not in this case. In fact, I wish it had never happened to me; my surprise ‘guest’ was… [Read more...]
- There are closed-door meetings between the Union Reps and the Manager of the coffee shop located next to the college.
- Professors who own cottages are seen re-opening them and re-stocking the fridge.
- Professors are seen attending the Union meetings.
- Local sign makers start to schmooze Union Reps with complimentary pens emblazoned with the college logo.
- Professors start to recognize their Union Reps in the hall and give them the secret nod of trust and acceptance.
- Professors start ‘brown bagging’ their lunches.
- Faculty no longer refers to their Chairs and Deans by their first names, but as “Management”.
- Management no longer refers to their Professors by their first names, but as “Faculty”.
- Professors start to open and read all the unchecked emails sent from the Union office.
- When students ask Professors about a potential strike, the responses all sound like ‘Sergeant Shultz’ in the TV show ‘Hogan’s Heroes’; “I know…nothing!”
- Professors foresee spending more time at home with their spouse/partner, so they are seen calling a divorce lawyer ‘just in case’.
- A ‘signs of life’ detector.
- The agenda you revised 20 minutes before class.
- The ‘new and improved’ college policies and procedures.
- An ‘ice-breaker’ joke. “A professor walks into a bar…”
- The I.T. department phone number on speed dial.
- An ‘urban dictionary’ to translate student slang.
- Your best mum mum mum mah p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face.
- A ‘Chrome Book’, ‘iPad’, ‘MacBook’, ‘PC’, ‘Smartphone’, ‘E-reader’, ‘PDA’…Coffee.
- The answers to the questions that you will definitely be asked: “Where’s the washrooms?”, “Is there an exam in this course?”, and “When’s the break?”.
- A key to get into the classroom.
- ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ by Queen
- Anything by Justin Bieber!
- ‘My heart will go on’ by Celine Dion
- ‘I’ll make love to you’ by Boyz II Men
- ‘Baby got back (I like big butts)’ by Sir Mix-a-Lot
- ‘Hot for teacher’ by Van Halen
- ‘Like a Virgin’ by Madonna
- ‘Me So Horny’ by 2 Live Crew
- ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ by the Rolling Stones
- ‘Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter’ by Herman’s Hermits.
- ‘Tonight I’m f#@!g you’ by Enrique Iglesias
- ‘Don’t stand so close to me’ by The Police
It’s that time again, so here are a few tips to make this ‘glorious’ event even more glorious…er.
(A+) Outstanding . You actually did as well, or even better than I would have when I was in college…no, really.
(A) Outstanding, but you should have turned the last page on the final exam and realized there was one more page of questions to answer.
(A-) Outstanding. Hopefully the party you went to the night before the final exam was worth not getting an ‘A’.
(B+) Consistently thorough. Therapy may be needed to find out why you’re afraid of achieving an ‘A’ grade.
(B) Consistently thorough. I see, you care about getting an ‘A’ in the course…but I guess not that much.
(B-) Consistently thorough. Coulda…Woulda…Shoulda?
(C+) Satisfactory. The only reason you have the ‘+’ added is because you attended all of your classes.
(C ) Satisfactory. You’re putting in just enough effort to coast along. I hope you’re inheriting a lot of money in the future.
(C-) Satisfactory. You’re having lots of fun at college aren’t you?
(D+) Minimal. Congratulations, you’re a leader among minimalists.
(D) Minimal. Ok, so keep doing what you were doing all through high school, which apparently wasn’t much, and we’ll see how that works out for you next semester.
(D-) Minimal. You’re only passing because I never want to have you in my class ever again.
(F) Fail. Oh, I get it…you don’t give a sh*t because your Mom and Dad are paying your tuition!
-“So, what can I bring to the grad party?!”
-“I’m on vacation at the cottage all summer, but feel free to call anytime if you need career advice.”
-“Sure, here’s my cell number…”
-“Even if you don’t get a job in the industry, I’m pretty sure all the courses you took will be useful somewhere.”
-“It was nice to meet your Mom/Dad at the grad ceremony…is he/she single?”
-“We’re changing all the textbooks, so unfortunately you won’t be able to sell them to next year’s students.”
-“Now that you’ve graduated, how about a dinner and movie sometime?”
-“Thanks for your comments on how to improve the courses; we’ll put them on file.”
-“You’re the last graduating group from the program…unfortunately it’s being ‘axed’ due to low demand in the marketplace.”
-“We’re desperately looking for instructors to teach in the program…do you want to teach a course?”
-“Try to be positive…marks aren’t everything.”
-“Whatever you do, don’t mention my name during your interviews and you should be fine.”
Welcome to my blog!
Knowledge is wasted unless you share it with others, so after 20 years of teaching in a college environment, I’ve decided to create this blog.
When you need to take a break from marking and prepping and want a quick laugh, get some teaching tips, or just find higher ed resources, you've come to the right place.
Also, I'd really appreciate that you 'spread' the word to your colleagues to visit this site! As you can see from the flag counter, many already have, so thanks to all of you!
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