FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
- You start sniffing the white board markers to arouse your consciousness.
- Your eyes well up with tears when you see the physical resources department throwing out the last overhead projector.
- You start writing on the whiteboard with a white piece of chalk…and you don’t even notice there is anything wrong.
- You’re no longer ‘in the loop’ knowing about the latest, juicy department gossip.
- If you’re teaching a class about an hour or so after eating lunch, your eyes start to look like a deer in the headlights as you stare at your computer screen, followed by an involuntary twitch.
- You don’t know any of your students by name…and you don’t give a sh*t.
- Every conversation you have with your fellow profs ends with “I don’t remember students ever being this awful!”
- Your office starts to smell like death.
- The only reason you give so many breaks during class is so that you can go to the bathroom.
- The only reason you start showing videos in class is because it allows you the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes.
- You have over 3,000 draft emails that you forgot to send.
Plagiarism. The word itself will never be copied because it’s too hard to spell…or was that the idea? –Professor Phil Jones
- Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you say the word “exam”.
- Have someone call your cellphone during class time, answer it, laugh out loud, and leave the room for 15 minutes. Upon your return, give the students a handout about unacceptable cell phone use in the classroom and sternly tell them “it won’t be tolerated.”
- Start teaching a totally different subject.
- As students start entering the class, sit in front of the projection screen watching any of the raunchy Miley Cyrus videos (male profs) or the Enrique Iglesias’ “Tonight I’m loving you’ video (female profs).
- Spend the first 20 minutes of the class chasing an imaginary fly around the room. As you frantically swing the fly swatter, curse and swear like a truck driver who’s just been cut off.
- Wear tight white pants and start dancing and singing the “Tight Pants” song as seen on the ‘Jimmy Fallon Show’.
- Put on the national anthem at the start of class, stand at attention at the front of the room, and start singing the words as loud and off-key as you can.
- Talk about yourself in the 3rd person…and then in the 4th person.
- Perform your whole lecture like a ventriloquist act using an Albert Einstein puppet.
- Have a change of clothes in your office and change into them on the break. Come back to class as if nothing is different.
- Start eating the chalk.
- You can fantasize that you’re a ‘Pokemon Professor’.
- You will be able to learn from all those students in your class who are over 100 years old.
- You can wear a skin-tight, all-in-one, spandex body suit to class. Students will refer to you as “the coolest and trendiest professor on campus!” (See ‘Zentai’ trend).
- You’ll boost your Japanese vocabulary skills by learning how to say more than just ‘Kon’nichiwa’ and ‘Sayōnara’.
- You could call up and invite Hiroyuki Hayashi, the lead singer of the rock band ‘Polysics’ and get him to give your students some free tips on how to liven up their presentations.
- If you’re hung over from drinking too much Sake the night before and don’t feel like teaching that day, you can relax at the back of the classroom and get ‘Pepper’, the Humanoid robot’ to teach class for you.
- Every morning, you can hit the ‘snooze alarm’ a couple of times and sleep in an extra 20 minutes, knowing that there is always a high speed train that can get you to the college in just a few minutes.
- After a long day of teaching, you can unwind at the karaoke bars with your fellow professors and belt out ‘Guns ‘n’ Roses’ songs such as ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and ‘Paradise City’.
- You will be forced to improve your non-verbal communication skills.
- Students will bow to you.
- Scan a picture of Albert Einstein’s face in 3D to create a realistic-looking face mask. Wear it to the next class and say, “Your professor is sick today, so I’ll be covering the class…get out your pens and ink wells.”
- Create and print two gigantic 3D ears and place them on the sides of your head. Ask the students a question telling them to speak up when they answer.
- Create and print 3 extra fingers on each hand and see how long it takes for students to notice.
- 3D print several life size replicas of yourself and place them around the room during exam time. Students won’t know which one is the real you, thereby deterring any potential of cheating.
- Print out your classroom in 3D with the same room number and place it down the hall from your real classroom. Sit back and be entertained by all the confusion.
- During the previous week, tell the class there will be a famous guest speaker in the next class and they “won’t want to miss this class!”. Print out a life size 3D replica of Kim Kardashian and place it at the front of the classroom. Once everyone is excited and seated, tell them it’s not real, and proceed to give them all a surprise quiz.
- Create all your exams in 3D so that students have to wear those cheap, cardboard, red/blue 3D glasses in order to read it. Take a picture to show management how you are using leading-edge technology in the classroom.
- Print miniature 3D replicas of yourself for students to take home and place on their work desks for motivational purposes.
- Randomly, during the middle of a class, start to print out a 3D potter’s wheel, create a clay pot, and start singing ‘Unchained Melody’ by the Righteous Brothers.
- Become your students favourite prof by bringing in a 3D pizza printer and start handing out unlimited amounts of pizza for all of them.
- “Where’s the Professor?”
- “Not bad, I’ll give her a 7/10…if she wasn’t over 50…maybe an 8.5/10.”
- “He was probably pretty hot when he was younger.”
- “Psst…check out this Youtube video, it’s hilarious!”
- “Do you know of any places near the college where I can park for free?”
- “I guess the class started without me?”
- “Whaddya mean that I just sat through the wrong class?”
- “Where’s the tutoring office?”
- “I think I might register for this class; it was pretty interesting.” (this WAS said to me at the end of class…lol).
- “Quick, go to ‘Google Translate’!”
- “I think I’ve just discovered the cure for my insomnia!”
- “B.Y.O.D.? I thought it was B.Y.O.B.?”
- Mel Gibson might be the keynote speaker at the graduation ceremony and give the ‘Braveheart Freedom Speech’.
- If you feel insecure about not having a PhD, it’s ok, because even if you did have one, no one wants to hear about it anyway.
- You will boost your language skills by learning Australian slang.
- You will end up becoming one of the most self-confident, laid back professors on the planet.
- You can secretly think of yourself as being the ‘The Wizard of Oz’.
- You can teach an entire online course in the outback, sitting around a campfire drinking beer, and partying with the ‘blokes’ in the rock band AC/DC.
- As a fun and entertaining problem-solving exercise, you could get students to try to teach kangaroos and emus how to walk backwards.
- You’ll never have a problem with students arriving late for class; they’ll always arrive a few minutes early.
- You can use an Australian Cattle Dog to help you get organized for class.
- You can end each class with the Aussie chant, “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!”
Mid-July. 90-degree heat. Humid.
There’s nothing like the aroma of chicken smothered in barbecue sauce as it sizzles when it hits the hot grill of the barbecue. Envious neighbours can smell the smoke for hundreds of yards away. If you’re lucky, it may even attract ‘someone special’ to pay you a surprise visit in your back yard?
This is going to sound like one of those famous cliché intros that are in men’s magazines but, on one hot, scorching day in July, I never thought it would happen to me! Well, A female ‘guest’ did show up.
She had big brown eyes, a cute little nose, with thick jet-black hair with a long streak of blond. However, she looked like she had a bit too much to drink as she kept stumbling and falling to the ground as she walked towards me. I was raised to watch out for this ‘type’, so I quickly turned off the barbecue and slowly walked back into the house. Most guys would think, “Are you crazy?” Not in this case. In fact, I wish it had never happened to me; my surprise ‘guest’ was… [Read more...]
Welcome to my blog!
Knowledge is wasted unless you share it with others, so after 20 years of teaching in a college environment, I’ve decided to create this blog.
When you need to take a break from marking and prepping and want to have a quick laugh, get some teaching tips, or just find higher ed resources, you've come to the right place.
Also, I'd really appreciate that you 'spread' the word to your colleagues to visit this site! As you can see from the flag counter, many already have, so thanks to all of you!
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